prevailing truths

You know. That moment when you go overboard thinking about something you shouldn't even think about in the first place - it's devastating. These days, I struggle very hard to win fights against my heart. All this time, it has always been battles between my heart and my brain. Like any other fights and battles; they give me emotional, mental and physical pain, too. They say our minds are master of all, above all of our other organs. I second that. Biologically and logically, our hearts are. But come on, we are talking about our brain here, let that pass, shall we? I cannot deny anymore.

 I'm still not over him. 

I'm still into him.

 I still haven't move on. 

I know, right? I would take a bullet just so that things would be vice-verse. I would kill just so that I don't have to keep running away from the reality. THESE ARE THE KILLER FACTS I HAVE TO LIVE WITH. I know everyone think it's over between us two, that's good. But unfortunately, I cannot lie to the person who knows every inch of me and myself. That person is *****, myself - my pathetic self. Oh, Lord. What do I miss and what makes me struggling to move on? Oh, Lord. this is a bad idea. But anyhow I know, I have to let this all out, at least. Or else I'll be a crazy woman or shall I say I already am, so, a crazier woman it is? So bear with me because I'm going to puke everything out now by making a list. Oh, Lord. A LIST?! Exactly, you poor woman.

• I get very moody while driving these days. It's very dangerous because I won't be able to focus 100% on the road. I see stuffs in my head. That explains why I get so much honks now. 
• You know the common sayings. ''And suddenly, all love songs are about you.'' This. Leads. Me. To. Hell.
• I spend a lot of time alone since I don't have anything to do. Most of the time I would talk to myself, scolding myself like a mad person I am. ''COULD YOU PLEASE, GIRLLL?!!!!!'' 
• I just miss him. Or miss having a partner. I am not sure which. But I surely miss his smiling eyes when he sees me. His laugh when I say something funny. His face when he praises me. His seriousness when talking about us. His ''ohh'' when he's jealous about something. His concerns when I am not with him. His smile when he won a fight over something stupid. His ''sayang, are you okay? Why diam je?''  Damn, how am I gonna get over this? I have no idea at all how to get up after typing and admitting all of this. I thought I was strong enough to not cry. 

I know, it's the memories that hunt me. Not the person. What? Am I denying things, again? Okay, fine. Whatever it is, I didn't make any effort to find another guy. Yes, there were guys to help me recover from it. B-u-t, then they would be called as rebound, then? Because I have zero interest in all of them. To call someone as a rebound - that's just plain bad. Bad. I don't think I want that, for that might will happen to any of my siblings. No, no, no. To find a partner takes just too much steps. The family, the what-do-you-like, the who are your friends, the what are your dreams and etc. It's a lot. To consider either to find new partner or to stay like this is already so complicated. Too complex. Oh, how I hate complexity.

I guess I'm in between the two. I have interest in a guy, but yeah. He's out of my league. Totally. Like, 100% out of my lame league. I always say his name in prayer so that we would be husband and wife. The rest, I give it to the Almighty. I have been crushing on this man ever since April 2013. It's quite long because uh, I've met only one person like him. Though I can't really tell what type of a person he is. Okay, let the dua works for me. 

My oh my, just by telling stories about him (man in the above graph) has give me chill. I remember his smile when he was sitting across me as if he's coming to me, or attracted to starta conversation with me. I didn't smile back. I was so stupid! Until now, I keep saying to myself ''YOU SHOULD HAVE SMILED BACK YOU FOOL.'' What did I do? I said in my heart ''Meh man, you think you're gonna get a smile-back from every girl? Not me.'' 

Egoistic. I know. Thanks.