I've kept this entry for so many months in the draft, I think now is the time to release it. This was made in April, 21st.
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Today, the reality hit me hard. I mean, in such good ways. Like when our teachers hit our hands during our pre-school days because we held the pencil wrongly. But can't put all blame on us tho, writing the letter R was hard. Oh and as for me, Q too. Oh wow, I've mentioned one of my childhood memories there. So now I shall continue. Referring to the title; my grand granny. My grand granny has never harmed me in my whole 18 years of life. Not even a pinch. Thank you, my lovely tokmak.
This week, my grand granny who has never even pinched me, got sick. Like, she's terribly under the weather. It makes me feel so terrified. Nothing has ever terrified me like she did. I was taking care of her in one morning, she was lying on her bed. I sat next to her, watching this pale old lady. There was no one else other than us. I was telling her stories about her grandsons when she suddenly spoke the death sentence. She said in her slow, weak voice ''I had a dream of your late grandfather yesterday. He was looking fine, wearing his favorite kain pelikat. He was inviting me to sleep next to him. The next minute I woke up'' Ya Allah. That right moment, I hope everyone comes home a.s.a.p and leave their work. If only they knew tokmak said that. Then I interrupt my granny because I couldn't afford to hear any sad stories. I told her about my friends then. But right after I have finished my stories, she continued her heart-wrenching words. Oh Lord, not again. She held my left arm gently and said; "Kakak, when I'm already gone, you'd be the only one who knows where I put my money and gold. Now can you see that closet? It's......." I WAS ALREADY CRYING A RIVER ON THE INSIDE. Then without hesitation, I told my granny to stop. Stop talking whatever she was talking about. Just stop. I cried and said to her ''Tokmak please don't leave me yet, don't. Don't leave us. Don't say like that again. It's so heartbreaking.''
Ya Allah, by typing this I'm already so afraid. You have no idea how afraid she looked like when she was mentioning about leaving the world. ''Ya Allah this hurt so bad. I feel like my life is going to end very soon. Only 1/4 is left. Forgive me Ya Allah for I cannot endure this pain, whatnot your punishments in the hereafter.'' I.........was.............slapped by the inner me, my soul. Girl, are you not afraid? Your grandmother who prays all the time, khatam all week, who always sujud her head on the prayer mat to God to ask for forgiveness and etc, is THAT afraid? You who have done so, so, much sins and so little ibadah, ARE YOU NOT AFRAID? Pang! A moment of realization. Right after that, I sent my mom a message. ''Ibu, tokmak won't stop talking about leaving the world. She also told me that tok abah came into her dream to ask her come sleep with him. I'm so freaking out now.'' Just when I thought of sneaking out of the room silently to not wake her up from her sleep, I took 15 minutes to plan how. Howtogetoutofthebedwithoutanymovement.com. I wanted to go into the bathroom to cry. But I didn't have time to do so, the bell rang. It was my aunty outside, Makde in her working attire. She looked so lost, with her reddish face, red teary eyes and her voice was shaking. In clumsiness, she said ''Where's tokmak? How is she? Is she okay? What is she doing? Has she took her medicines?'' I opened the gate and said ''She's just so weak, makde. I don't know what to say. I cannot stand looking at her like this.'' Makde said my mom forwarded the message to her.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Today, the reality hit me hard. I mean, in such good ways. Like when our teachers hit our hands during our pre-school days because we held the pencil wrongly. But can't put all blame on us tho, writing the letter R was hard. Oh and as for me, Q too. Oh wow, I've mentioned one of my childhood memories there. So now I shall continue. Referring to the title; my grand granny. My grand granny has never harmed me in my whole 18 years of life. Not even a pinch. Thank you, my lovely tokmak.
This week, my grand granny who has never even pinched me, got sick. Like, she's terribly under the weather. It makes me feel so terrified. Nothing has ever terrified me like she did. I was taking care of her in one morning, she was lying on her bed. I sat next to her, watching this pale old lady. There was no one else other than us. I was telling her stories about her grandsons when she suddenly spoke the death sentence. She said in her slow, weak voice ''I had a dream of your late grandfather yesterday. He was looking fine, wearing his favorite kain pelikat. He was inviting me to sleep next to him. The next minute I woke up'' Ya Allah. That right moment, I hope everyone comes home a.s.a.p and leave their work. If only they knew tokmak said that. Then I interrupt my granny because I couldn't afford to hear any sad stories. I told her about my friends then. But right after I have finished my stories, she continued her heart-wrenching words. Oh Lord, not again. She held my left arm gently and said; "Kakak, when I'm already gone, you'd be the only one who knows where I put my money and gold. Now can you see that closet? It's......." I WAS ALREADY CRYING A RIVER ON THE INSIDE. Then without hesitation, I told my granny to stop. Stop talking whatever she was talking about. Just stop. I cried and said to her ''Tokmak please don't leave me yet, don't. Don't leave us. Don't say like that again. It's so heartbreaking.''
Ya Allah, by typing this I'm already so afraid. You have no idea how afraid she looked like when she was mentioning about leaving the world. ''Ya Allah this hurt so bad. I feel like my life is going to end very soon. Only 1/4 is left. Forgive me Ya Allah for I cannot endure this pain, whatnot your punishments in the hereafter.'' I.........was.............slapped by the inner me, my soul. Girl, are you not afraid? Your grandmother who prays all the time, khatam all week, who always sujud her head on the prayer mat to God to ask for forgiveness and etc, is THAT afraid? You who have done so, so, much sins and so little ibadah, ARE YOU NOT AFRAID? Pang! A moment of realization. Right after that, I sent my mom a message. ''Ibu, tokmak won't stop talking about leaving the world. She also told me that tok abah came into her dream to ask her come sleep with him. I'm so freaking out now.'' Just when I thought of sneaking out of the room silently to not wake her up from her sleep, I took 15 minutes to plan how. Howtogetoutofthebedwithoutanymovement.com. I wanted to go into the bathroom to cry. But I didn't have time to do so, the bell rang. It was my aunty outside, Makde in her working attire. She looked so lost, with her reddish face, red teary eyes and her voice was shaking. In clumsiness, she said ''Where's tokmak? How is she? Is she okay? What is she doing? Has she took her medicines?'' I opened the gate and said ''She's just so weak, makde. I don't know what to say. I cannot stand looking at her like this.'' Makde said my mom forwarded the message to her.
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